Of Scandalous Pollination, Sausages and Horrible Ice Sculptures
by notantihero
Summary: Of Anna and all the wrong things she does in the name of finding out if her sister's batting for the other team.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

"Scandalous," Anna muttered over and over. "Simply scandalous!" Bringing her hands against her cheeks she said once again: "scandalous! I can't believe people write this. I mean, I get embarrassed just reading it. People actually _write _this? _Scandalous_."

"Why don't you stop reading it then," said Kristoff airily, who was about sick of the word 'scandalous' and started promising himself a shot of the really expensive whiskey he'd been saving for… exactly situations like this if the word leaves Anna's mouth _one more time_.

"I can't! I mean, I mean." Anna looked at him, at the book, at him again before settling back on the book, sucked in like a child stuck in front of a big, colourful rack full of chocolates in the grocery store. On discount. "I mean, the things they could do with their tongues and fingers! **SCANDALOUS!"**

Goodbye, two months' wage bottle of whiskey.

And with that, he reached over to his one and only shelf and picked up the most prominent bottle on display, unscrewed it open and took a gulp straight from the mouth of the bottle.

Hey; a shot's a shot a shot, okay?

Okay. Maybe that was more like three. Having a _princess_ out of all things sitting in _his_ room, on _his_ reindeer, reading _his_ secret stash of lesbian erotica certainly didn't help any.

"OHMYGOSH KRiSTOFF!"

He groaned. "What now?"

"THEY'RE DOING EACH OTHER WITH A CARRO— oomph!"

In his rush to block Sven's ears from any potentially traumatising, corrupting words he had nearly knocked Anna into the fireplace – a hair crack away from being sent to the gallows by the Queen. The loving, overprotective, setting things on eternal winter, constructing ice palaces without a building permit, bad-example-of-a-sister Queen.

Who was exactly his entire problem.

Anna shot him a glare. "What was that for? You nearly set me on fire."

"Nearly," he said, hands still over Sven's innocent (he hoped) ears. "But I didn't. You were being a bad influence to Sven. A bad, _bad _influence." He cooed down onto Sven's head, "riiiight Sven? 'Right Kristoff! Anna is a bad, bad influence!'"

Anna shuddered. "Ugh, stop it. It's creepy."

"You just don't understand our _love_."

"And I don't think I ever want to," said Anna, muttering something about bestiality under her breath which he pointedly ignored. He didn't want to be told that by a woman who was in love with her own sister.

That's all kinds of weird.

And also kinda hot.

Lucky he'd moved all of his sisterly… novels to the firewood shed. He had enough princesses invading his cottage sighing forlornly about sisters and long lost loves and chocolate and whatnot.

Yep. Definitely had enough of those.

"Look," he said, channeling his family's bloodline of love experts from the depth of his being, "why don't you, y'know, just ask find out if she's into women first?"

"SCANDALOUS—"

With a sigh, he reached back and grabbed the bottle, taking another four shots with a gulp.

"—but oh hey, that makes sense! What do you reckon I should do- maybe prance around her in my underwear? Accidentally switch the covers to her favourite novels with yours? Or—"

"_Please just leave me alone._"

* * *

**Prancing around in underwear**

"Elsaaaaaaaaaaaa," drawled Anna, giggling silently to herself as she knocked on the Queen's bedchambers. "Elssaaaaaaaaa, wanna build a snowmaaaaaan?"

A beat passed and she could hear ruffling inside the room. She can't wait. Definitely can't wait. Super duper can't wait.

This is soooooo gonna be awesome. There's no way her plan of showing up in Elsa's room only in her underwear could go wrong. Nope. No sirreee.

Oh wow. How many seconds have it been? One? Two?

"Eeeeelll—" Her drawl was cut short when her face kissed the door.

"Anna!" And Elsa, her lovely, lovely Elsa was immediately right beside her, looking at her with those beautiful eyes with such worry that Anna felt her heart melt all over again.

Oh be still, my beating heart.

"Are you all right? Are you hurt? Oh I'm so sorry—"

Anna giggled at her sister's attention and smiled brightly up at her, "no worries! I'm as fine as snow! So so a snowman? Build? Together?"

"Yes of course!" Elsa said without missing a heartbeat, "anything for hurting you with a doo—" And then stopped. Took a step back. Looked Anna up and down.

Yes! Anna fist pumped mentally. It's so totally working! She grinned from ear to ear, standing ramrod straight with her chest slightly, only slightly puffed out to enhance whatever there she didn't really have. And then she waited patiently for Elsa to sweep Anna into her arms and declare her undying love.

A heartbeat, two heartbeats, a heart palpitation and sore back later:

Elsa turned and walked back into her room.

"Wait wha?"

And came back with a pile of very thick, very unrevealing fur lined clothes and unceremoniously dumped it into Anna's arms.

Anna looked at her. "Huh?"

"We will not build a snowman with you dressed like that," Elsa said with a finality to her tone. "And we will have a talk tomorrow about propriety and what not to wear while roaming the castle halls."

Anna groaned.

Well, at least they'd still be building a snowman together, so that's not a total lost, right?

* * *

**Scandalous novellas**

It took nearly an entire tea time to go through all of her sister's favourite novels with Kristoff's racy ones. She had to beg and steal to get him to relinquish his so-called treasures as well as bribe Sven with a sack of the kitchen's finest carrots so that he wouldn't tell, but it was all worth it, she thought with a triumphant grin, because Elsa's sure gonna have her inner lesbian awakened after she reads all this.

She glanced at the clock, noting that it's nearly four: Elsa's precious scant reading time, away from the humdrum of noble this and noble that and documents this and documents that. She turned towards the door soft footsteps approached, greeting her sister with her most innocent smile.

"Heya there Els!"

She was greeted back with a smile and an embrace.

"Anna," Elsa said, oblivious to her well-hidden schemes, "why are you here? Do you want me to read to you?"

Read? Oooooh that could be interesting.

"Ye—I mean no. I kinda have a date with Olaf. He lost his nose somewhere and I have to help him find it. Y'know how he attached he is to that carrot."

And dangerous. It could be dangerous. As foolproof as Anna her thought her plan was, she knew that she should be a castle's span away from Elsa should anything go wrong. Not that anything would.

"So yeah, I gotta go. See ya at dinner!" Anna said, giving Elsa another hug, ignoring the slight disappointment (that broke her heart terribly, but it was for the greater good) in her sister's eyes before whisking herself away, safe from any potential plan failure.

…and what a wonderful move that was, Anna thought, safe inside the walls of the wine cellar as Kristoff's scream echoed through the freak hail that had suddenly besieged the castle. She might have to miss dinner too, she realised sadly, because it didn't seem like the hail will stop any time soon.

* * *

**SAUSAGES (and also oysters)**

"The butcher's latest line of boutique sausages," Anna explained at Elsa's slightly raised eyebrow. She speared one with her fork and waved it in front of Elsa's face. "Look at how thick, big, long it is! Mmmhmm. Delicious!"

"Okay…"

"Or! Do you perhaps prefer this, m'lady?" She continued on, dropping the thick, black, long sausage back onto her plate and reaching for another dish. "The finest, juiciest oysters our fishermen has caught. _Ever._ She opened one and brandished it into the air, displaying the oyster's succulent, juicy, moist meat glistening in the sunlight. "So Elsa, which one do you want to _eaaat?_" The last word was drawn out in her best approximation of a sexy whisper as she batted her eyelashes at Elsa, who, in her disappointment, really just looked quite confused.

"I'll…" Elsa hesitated, long, slender fingers tip tapping the table. And what marvellously long, slender fingers they are!

Anna licked her lips. "Yeeeees?"

"I think I'll take the sausages. I'm never quite fond of oysters, sadly," Elsa said with an apologetic smile, taking the plate with the long, thick, black sausages.

Anna's face fell.

* * *

**Inappropriate snow statues**

"OH LOOK AT WHAT I MADE ELSA!" Anna screamed with the cackle of a desperate madman who was so very close at veering off to the edge of insanity. "LOOK AT WHAT I BUILT."

Elsa stared at the snow statue mutely. "A… uh. Giraffe?"

"A GIRAFFE?!" Anna nearly screeched. She gripped Elsa's shoulder and marched her closer to Anna's ultimate creation. "LOOK CLOSER. IT'S TOTALLY NOT A GIRAFFE!"

"I don't—" A look from Anna and Elsa sighed. She looked back at the… thing with a hint of resignation. "A sausage?"

"NO! IT'S A—GUESS AGAIN!"

"A… finger…"

"NOPE."

"Bratwurst?"

"THAT'S A TYPE OF SAUSAGE."

"A sword, then?"

"NO! ARE YOU BLIND?"

"Oh for—" started Elsa, but stopped herself short and exhaled loudly, a hand massaging her temple. "Why don't you tell me what it is already? We can stand here for hours and guess or you can just enlighten me right. Now."

"IT'S A PENIS, ELSA. A PENI—"

But even slightly mad as she was, Anna knew when she was in deep, deep snow. Literally. She gulped.

"Princess Anna of Arendelle?"

And when Elsa went all formal like that she knew that being knee deep in snow was the least of her problems.

"Yes, my uh- majesty?"

"Tell me who taught you that word?"

"Uh…" Well crap. This wasn't how it was supposed to go, was it? Should've said it was Olaf's spare nose or something. Stupid, stupid Anna. "Uh. Uhm…"

"It's Kristoff isn't it?" Elsa stated calmly. Languidly. Furiously. The snow thickened. "Kristoff and his novels. Kristoff and his influence. Kristoff. _Kristoff_."

And she kept muttering Kristoff's name over and over again, like a voodoo curse.

"Uh Elsa…?" Anna took a slog forward, desperate to dissuade whatever idea Elsa had of Kristoff robbing her innocence. "It's not Kris—"

But of course Elsa was already away, skating through the blizzards towards Kristoff's general direction.

Crap.

Well then. It was worth a try. Anna tightened the strings of her cloak and stared at her statue. But really? A finger? Was her artistic skills _that_ bad?

* * *

**Of birds and bees and flowers**

This time, it was Elsa who came to her.

"Anna," Elsa said, showing up in her room with nary a knock just as she was about to mull depressively at her foiled plans, "we need to have a talk."

Anna paused mid-mull, wondering how deep of a trouble she was in, measured in miles. "Is this about yesterday?"

"Yes it is," Elsa said. She smoothed the sheets primly and sat herself there, lips pursed. She looked like she was steeling herself to do something. "We need to have a talk."

"Yeah you told me that and I'd really rather not?"

The glare Elsa shot her screamed 'silence' and Anna shut up.

"We need to have a talk about your recent… infatuation with…"

"Wiiith?"

"How can I say this." Elsa shut her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, allowing a few seconds to pass before she continued: "with your recent infatuation with the male genitalia."

Anna started choking on air.

"Wha—whu- what. WHAT!" she sputtered, looking at Elsa in disbelief. Male genitalia?! WHAT.

"Look, I know it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing to me, too. But before an accident happens I need to know that you know _exactly_ what entails before you and Kristoff do something drastic. I know you're of age and—"

At this point Anna started hoping she had remained frozen in that fjord. But maybe like love, embarrassment thaws because dear lord she felt hot now. Like hot embarrassed, not hot like taking a bath with Elsa hot.

"Elsaaaaa," she groaned. "It's not what you think it is—"

"I think it's what I think it is," Elsa continued unabated, resolute in delivering her embarrassing speech. "But you're of age and I understand completely. I do. Thus it's my duty as a sister to properly inform you about sexual intercourse and all the risks that come with it."

"And where is Hans and his sword when I need it the most?"

"_Anna!_"

"Huh?" She looked at Elsa looking at her with abject horror when she realised that 'sword' was probably not a very good word to say in this particular subject. "Oh god no! Not sword sword! I meant real sword! To kill me! Because I'm totally dying from embarrassment! Oh my god!"

That seemed to calm Elsa down. Kinda. Because her cheeks was still flushed, though nowhere near as prettily tomato as Anna's, she'd bet. Would this night just end. _Please_.

"I apologise, I overreacted."

"Yeah you kinda did."

"Well…"

"Well…"

"What do you know about safety?"

Anna hit her face with her palm. Hard. "Oh my god, Elsa. I don't- I don't need this, okay? I'm not. Not interested in birds."

Elsa blinked, and Anna thought: oh hell. Why not now. Because she was tired of scurrying around and building phallic ice sculptures and convincing Elsa to eat her goddamned oysters. Because why. Not. Now.

With new determination warming her blood, she scooted forward in the bed, covering the distance between her and Elsa in a few rapid movements. Once directly in front of her target, she cupped both of Elsa's hands into her own and stared deep, deep into Elsa's eyes. Gloriously beautiful eyes.

"Elsa," she said, voice lowering to a murmur, "you're misunderstanding everything here."

A raised eyebrow. "And what do I misunderstand, exactly?"

"What I want," Anna said. She drew her face closer to Elsa's, feeling her sister's breath against her face, noticing the gleam of moonlight against Elsa's pale skin, the toned thighs underneath the flimsy nightdress. The rapid, furious beating of her own heart so deeply in love with this woman she thought it might burst. She swallowed the lump in her throat and tried to steady the thick, rolling waves in her stomach. "What I want is not the brief flirtations of the bee as he roams freely beneath the skies as I lay trapped in his nest, keeping it warm. I don't want any of that. What I really want, Elsa, is to be a flower with you as my—"

"_You want to be__** POLLINATED?!**_"

"—bee? Huh? Pollinated? Yeah sure. But by yo-"

"Pollinated. Pollinated," Elsa muttered over and over again, looking more and more manic. "Pollinated. Oh Anna. I never thought… innocence… lost…"

Anna blinked.

Elsa was totally getting the wrong idea. That's what she got for being metaphoric and all. So she tried again: "like I said Els; I want to be pollinated by yo—"

"Yu?! Who is Yu?" It fell on deaf ears of course, because the only thing it did was make Elsa shake her shoulders harder and harder. "Oh tell me, Anna. Is it Ewan the stable boy? Yulianus the gatekeeper? Yun the kitchenboy? Yuri the…"

As Elsa kept rattling off potential suspects one by one, Anna's eyes glazed over as she realised that this might be the most awkward, longest night she'd ever have. Hey at least she'd confessed. Kinda. So that counts as a step forward? Right? Right.

Still, she needed fresh ideas if she really wanted to succeed. And naturally…

* * *

**Back to the drawing board**

When the door to his cottage burst open and a red-headed princess came sweeping in with a sing-song "KRIIISTOOOOFFFF IT'S MEEEEEEE," Kristoff reached for the nearest bottle and resigned himself for a long, downward spiral of alcoholism.


End file.
